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Music Reviews March 2017
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BOWIE AND A BANJO OR BISON UP THE ARSE?
ROUGH CHURCH "QUEEN'S SACRIFICE" (BANDCAMP)
RELEASED?
Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE? Muddy mix 10cc with appallingly on-trend jazzy brass, or jazzily appalling brass, or appalling jazz, or just appalling. Who knows? I do and "Bully My Heart" is appalling, do like the strings though. Next, next, hurry up. More mid-pace, mid-range drift and noodle that's obviously going to break out into the wide open spaces of Anthem and it duly does not, this is fucking awful. What's next? Something with an attempted sneer, something that rhymes Thelonious Monk with punk and something that shuffles urgently from tedious to annoying and it's called "Book Junkies" and let's move on... "Kooks" is much more fun, more murder than cover and everyone knows that Bowie did enough speed to keep spinning without the help of Rough Church plucking a fucking banjo in his name.



















There's more? Really? Hey now, heavy shit time, there's even a riff and some reverb on the vocal, it's like The Clash were The Partridge Family, except The Partridge Family were too cool to rage against Wall Street with the pale, pale, palest reggae twitch and that was "Speak As One", a call to alms or a collection of cliches where we can all come clean, geddit? Come on. they're trying to give the po-face a potty-mouth, but still stay radio friendly and this brings us neatly to "Surrender"... In the right hands it's a neat bit of pop-rocking and Rough Church don't kill it, but the Britney version will bury this one. No time to dwell because Rough Church are digging deep and going real with "Donald Is Resting On His Green Patch In The Sky" and it may be the hellish protest song that lays Trump low or it may be the story of an incontinent Lucifer, or, and this is my take, it may be a lazy demo-filler thing that wanders around a low key strum n shimmer and, er, that's it. Which brings me to the "that's it" moment when I say I've had enough of this crap, which is a pity, mainly because I won't be able to tell you how rat-fuckingly dull "Shed Light" is.
IS IT ANY GOOD? Fair question, it hasn't actually killed anyone and you'd probably listen to it rather than have a Bison shoved up your arse, but it's a close call.
WHERE IS IT?
https://roughchurch.bandcamp.com/
I HOPE THEY NEVER TURN ON THE LIGHT
BEDROOM EYES "AFTER I WAS A KID, BUT BEFORE I GREW UP" (STARTRACKS & SPOTIFY / SOUNDCLOUD etc )
RELEASED?
Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE?
Lovely olde euro power-pop. Back, back, back, back fucking beat beaten harder than a teenage penis. This has everything, the urgency, the sweetness, the classic pop construction, the bass runs, the carefully emasculated guitars, some synth sweeps and yer genuine, air brushed vocals. It's just as pop and just as good as Sweet Gum Tree (above)it's just pop perfect in a different way.


















IS IT ANY GOOD? Yes. Yes and yes and that's why we've done some trawling for you and it turns out the internet isn't just Hitler, Porn and Kittens and we also very much like the very different Bedroom Eyes thing called "Tall Blonde".
WHERE IS IT?
www.facebook.com/bdrmeyes







JUSTIN CASE AND THE WRANGLERS
ALLDAY Ft JAPANESE WALLPAPER "IN MOTION" (PIGEONS & PLANES)
RELEASED?
Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE?
A summer-shimmer and sloppy stamp around a nonchalant vocal. It's not important that it's not really rap,









it's not really important that "In Motion" is not really important. The important thing is that it's a simple bit of slow funk-pop and it's pretty nice and unpretentious and basically innocent and, fuck me sideways, it's nice in a way that Beiber's wranglers would pay a zillion to get at. So, pay attention, there's not enough genuine product.
IS IT ANY GOOD? Yes, "In Motion" is great both for what it represents and what it is and what it is is classy pop and we want to know more about Japanese Wallpaper as well.
WHERE IS IT? pigeonsandplanes.com


LET SLIP THE HOUNDS OF LOVE...
MARIA KHEYFETS "YOUR MOON" (DIGITAL)
RELEASED?
Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE? The vocals are weak, winsome, annoying and nothing like Kate Bush, despite what's claimed in the pr blurb. The video, as you can see owes more to the 'teen, sex-death-ankst vampire shite' that has lazily replaced the















brutally beautiful bloodbath of Bram. Try saying that when you've had a pint of absinthe.
IS IT ANY GOOD?
Of course it's not. There's art and there's artifice and there's this kind of 'You don't understand my art' stuff which is horrible because it's an unending debate. I say it's worthless, bloodless and clueless, Maria says I'm an idiot, which is true, but then I don't claim to be the heir to Nick Kent in my press releases.
WHERE IS IT?
https://mariakheyfets.com/



FOX NEWS GET SOMETHING RIGHT?
THE PERMANENTS "GONE INSANE"" (i-TUNES/BANDCAMP/SOUNDCLOUD)













RELEASED?
Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE?
When you get letters from people in Ohio rambling on about 'rock' and their allegedly unique way of making it, it's easy to recall the eleven million people who said the same thing and sigh, but not this time, oh no, they've been on Fox News and everything, like all the good stuff, shut up, here we go... The Permanents sound like a Manchester ridden take on Jason "Duke Of Arkansas" Morphew and while this plucky three piece isn't the finished article, they're cute enough to be allowed out, right now. We got a bunch of tracks and "Gone Insane" is more Morphew and "Cryptic Alleways" is Arctic Monkeys on a good day and "Burn This City" is every kind of loose limbed bass versus blitz-guitar fun and a good idea as well. They have moody photos, sharp haircuts and a sharp attack, so it might work out.
IS IT ANY GOOD?
Oh yes, they got the sound before the look, so look 'em up.
WHERE IS IT?
www.thepermanents.com


SMEARING JAM DOWN MEMORY LANE
CARL LEWIS Ft FRøDER "EASY" (TOOTH FAIRY)
RELEASED?
Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE?
Carl Lewis is known for his
work as CLMD and Frøder is known for
having the most oddly beautiful voice in
pop and "Easy" is absolutely brilliant.
It skates on the smoothest of glass, the
curdling, cool and decaying electro
burbles can't stop it, the chords are
bigger than wardrobes and the bass
totters confidently on the edge of
dissonance, the keyboard riff is struck
rather than stroked and the chorus
morphs through some of kind of clavinet
thing and the vocals are the cutest
reminder that angels can play for the
other side and Carl Lewis on this form
means that Calvin Harris better pull his
finger out. "Easy" is taken from the
album "Memory Lane" and that's out in
May, so smear some jam on your calendar to remind you to buy that instead of jam.
IS IT ANY GOOD? "Easy" is peerless electro-pop perfection.
WHERE IS IT?
www.facebook.com/carllouism

DEAR MATE...
SWEET GUM TREE "SOMEDAY" (THE ORCHARD / PLASTIC HEAD)
RELEASED?
31st March.
SOUNDS LIKE? An endearingly asymmetrical lyrical drawl that's perfectly bracketed by some ultra violent guitar clouds and delicate piano. This is pop music with depth and intelligence


















and no concessions made to accessibilty. Look, we've put up the video, listen, look, but mostly listen. This is a track that flags the release of the Sweet Gum Tree album,"Sustain The Illusion" on the 31st of March, go and buy it then. 
IS IT ANY GOOD?
Yes, it's excellent and it's an excellent answer to the lazy morons who insist that 'pop' must be chart related.
WHERE IS IT? www.sweetgumtree.tv

BETTER THAN AVERAGE WHITE BAND
SIMIAN GHOST "STOP MOVING" (HEIST OR HIT)
RELEASED?
Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE?
Michael Jackson
meets the Average White Band
and both of them insist that
the result is disco. If
only, jazz funk is as
recognisable as any other
trouser accident and "Stop
Moving" is jazz-funk. You
may water board my sorry ass
for a month of soggy saturdays, but this is true.
IS IT ANY GOOD?
Well, there's a thing, it is a very insistent thing and it's peerlessly produced, there's clean and sheen and they do look pretty adorable, so let 'em in and you can do it by clicking the photo.
WHERE IS IT? http://simianghost.com/
WHAT A WASTE, WOT A WASTE, WHOT A WAIST
FALSE HEADS "GUTTER PRESS" EP (SOUNDCLOUD)
                                       RELEASED?
Out now.
                                       SOUNDS LIKE?
Clanky,
                                       clunky, squalling,
                                       sneering. I think that
                                       this is what we used to
                                       call 'punk'. They've
                                       probably got daft
                                       haircuts and the favour
                                       of some rock icon. Iggy will do, so all boxes are ticked and this EP is great, full volume, full value with five tracks, slouch n pose fun.
IS IT ANY GOOD?
Hey, there are people who've never heard "Raw Power" or "Never Mind The Bollocks" and this may well fill the gap until some sleazy old codger sidles up with a bag of toffees and a headphone full of "No Fun".
WHERE IS IT? www.falseheads.com/home
I used to be Jimmy Carr
Now you're
      Jazzy Car
I SHOT EVERYONE ON HEARING THIS
LEVI & SUISS "NO DEPUTY" (SOUNDCLOUD)
RELEASED?
Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE? An audio definition of cynicism
and I wouldn't mind if it was good and I
wouldn't mind if it was hilariously inept, but
Levi & Suiss have just been massively lazy and
dropped a Bit O Bob on some join-the-dots
electro shite. Mind you, it takes some kind
of evil genius to make Bob Marley sound like
that cartoon frog.

IS IT ANY GOOD? Kill me, kill me now and kill
me quick, but kill Levi & Suiss first.
WHERE IS IT?
http://leviandsuiss.com/
I love toffees!