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                                                        THE VOLITAINS "Underground" (Unsigned)
                                                         RELEASED? 27th June.
                                                         SOUNDS LIKE? Unsanitary, unsafe and
                                                         unsane and unreasonably reassuring. Rock n
                                                         roll is alive and unwell in the bleeding hands,
                                                         slack jaws and sneering lips of The Volitains.
                                                         Obviously they are crap, in much the same way
                                                         that Pistols with Sid on bass were crap.
                                                         Derivative as hell, just like Veruca Salt lick n
                                                         flicking Joan Jett without permission are crap.
                                                         You're getting the idea, yeah? Good, now fuck
                                                         off and listen to them, go to their shows and
                                                         throw your lungs at them, sit outside their squat /
                                                         smart flat / country pile and swoon in helpless
                                                         gratitude every time they pass your flaccid
                                                         carcass. These are the kind of people who make the world slightly less homogenous, less bland and less safe. Let's dance.
IS IT ANY GOOD? Hell yeah. Fuck me sideways with an acid-dipped kitten, yes, yes, yes.
WHERE IS IT? www.myspace.com/thevolitains

THE REVELLIONS: "Sigh's" (Download)
RELEASED? 14th June.
SOUNDS LIKE? Very much like they have a few records by the Doors and when they're not listening to them they have old Them singles playing.
IS IT ANY GOOD? How could it not be? It's all sweaty-slick retro garage rocking, but it's a top drawer take on the genre and if there's a future in the past The Revellions might just be it.
WHERE IS IT? www.myspace.com/therevellions

TRIBAL MACHINE: "The Orwellian Night" (i-Tunes)
RELEASED? 29th June.
SOUNDS LIKE? Expectations are set to 'low'. Some very serious and earnestly literate, but unsigned people are announcing the release of their third album. It's a concept album, it took them three years to nail the sixteen tracks. The concept is

Orwellian. This should, by every indicator, be a bag of shit and maybe it is, but a lot of it is very cool and dark pop. Yes, they probably think it's deeper and darker than I do, but I'm happy with the frankly bluesy "Eye Spy" from the second movement, all Alice Cooper chewing a red hot chilli pepper and all. Now, that's good pop, like Kiss in a library or something and you can check "The Arrest" from the first movement and it's pretty much a straight steal of The Thompson Twins "We Are Detectives" riff. So, it's the eighties, again. Only this time... teamed with fifties literacy and seventies conceptuality, see, I can make up words as well.
IS IT ANY GOOD? Yes, a lot of groovy stuff is here, not that that was their declared aim. They will be happy to kill me for suggesting this, but Tribal Machine should read less and understand more because it's Orwellian predicted economics that not only allow an unsigned band to record and release three albums, but to make them good to listen to as well.
WHERE IS IT? www.myspace.com/tribalmachine

THIRD LIGHT: "Time To Shine" (i-Tunes etc)
RELEASED? 14th June.
SOUNDS LIKE? Apparently, this music is 'driving and dynamic in the bottom-end sound'. This is a neat way of wrapping a few words around a bass-heavy bit of stadium snot rock and I could wibble on about how "Time To Shine" sounds like an anthem trying to be punchy or a bit of punk trying for power ballad billing, but 'bottom-end sound' is too nifty to contradict. The flip, or the double A-side is "You've Got It All To Lose" and genuinely anthemic and genuinely dull, updated funeral marching for dead leaders of former Soviet Republics.
IS IT ANY GOOD? Not really.
WHERE IS IT? www.thirdlight.net

SUBSET: "Ambrosia" (Unsigned)
RELEASED? 5th July.
SOUNDS LIKE? I liked the first Jamie-T demo, the ep and even most of the album, but now some kind of bounce-a-long a jagged-shambles is the order of the day. Not round here it isn't.
IS IT ANY GOOD? No. You want to be a band or you want to be the kind of band that Lily Allen likes.
WHERE IS IT? www.myspace.com/subsetlondon

FELL ON BLACK DAYS:"Bring Out Your Dead" (i-Tunes)
RELEASED? 26th July.
SOUNDS LIKE? It's depressing. Not the
music itself, that's well above expectation
for anything with dead people dominating
the artwork and lightspeed bass
crunching dominating the mix. I mean
that it's depressing how many are chuffed
as a well chuffed chuffing champion to put
their name, their own, unique
name, to something so generic, so uniform,
so, so fucking what?
IS IT ANY GOOD? No. There's a difference between being influenced by and copying from and Fell On Black Days don't know it. Yet. I do, because I'm pissed and I've heard millions of records.
WHERE IS IT? www.myspace.com/fobd

THE CELLOPHANE FLOWERS: "If I Was Girl" EP (Unsigned)
RELEASED? Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE? The good people at Spin magazine said that the lead singeress, Francesca Corradini "Coos like Lily Allen Allen". Harsh, harsh, but unfair. The vocals here veer from sweet to shouldering feedback aside and the comparison is much more Voice Of The Beehive as a real, adult woman, plays pop tart to bounce off a snappy guitar-pop outfit.
IS IT ANY GOOD? It's very summery. It's very Haircut 100 underwhelming Kirsty MacColl and undemanding. I'm pleased to have an ep, but couldn't eat the whole album.
WHERE IS IT? www.myspace.com/thecellophaneflowers

CHARLIE INDESTRUCTIBLE: "My Sweet Revenge" (Digital)
RELEASED? 26th July.
SOUNDS LIKE? Bedroom band doing Bon Jovi doing metal and all because they're too embarrassed to show each other their Blink 182 singles. Stupid people would advise counselling, I'd advise hard drink, harder drugs and immersion in a random-splat jukebox. Come back brighter and all that, eh?
IS IT ANY GOOD? Currently harmless fun.
WHERE IS IT? www.myspace.com/charlieindestructibleble

BATTLEPLANS: "Sleep Well" (i-Tunes)
RELEASED? 2nd August.
SOUNDS LIKE? Doesn't matter.
Any outfit that opens with scratchy
French radio chat before gliding
into Llama Farmers country is
always going to be above
reproach. Yes, they call
themselves alt-rock and fancy
themselves as heavy metal blast
n bomb merchants and the
explosions erode the Llama like subtlety and a pissed parrot could manage a better mix, but this is good stuff. Art and muscle, seemingly artless and with no obvious affectations, we like Battleplan, more please.
IS IT ANY GOOD? Yes.
WHERE IS IT? www.myspace.com/battleplansgo