Updated
22nd
December
2011
22nd
December
2011
WHAT DO YOU BUY IN SHOPS?
MOIRA STEWART "WHATEVER WE DO IS LOVE" (BABY SERIOUS)
RELEASED? Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE? So there I was, outside the café blowing the steam off a cappuccino chatting to The Pet Shop Boys, both of them, though the quiet one doesn't talk much and the other one just talks about cats and the new uses he's found for old newspapers- mainly types of hat, but he also makes pretty good imitations of extinct birds. The quiet one had a ginger presse, the other one had this wild looking orange sundae latte which looked more whipped cream than drink, and I was pontificating on the state of the walls down the local underpass. The Pet Shop Boys, to their credit, nodded with
what could be mistaken for interest by the blind, and even recommended a couple of citrus based cleaning products that remove stubborn permanent marker stains. As I was about to get onto the subject of breakfast, out of the fog emerged dark shapes swathed in the blood and piss of countless commuters, angry shapes made up of tooth and fang, beasts that looked curiously like Kate Bush's right leg crossed with the fur coat of a fur-protested Naomi Campbell. "Grab your weapons, boys" I shouted to the Pet Shop Boys. The scene unfolded in Zack Snyder slow motion. The Pet Shop Boys produced gleaming Desert Eagles out from under the table, pulling them around in a slow arc, flinging bullets at the advancing beasts. The quiet one out of The Pet Shop Boys ran across tables, leaping sideways in the air, bullets whipping from his fists and smacking wetly into a flailing pit of fangs and fur, blood fountaining against a backdrop of dusty explosions. He landed in a forward roll at the feet of the advancing beast he'd just peppered with bullets, pulled the sword from his back and eviscerated the howling thing with a slice from crotch to neck. The other pet Shop Boy sprinted and leaped at one of the creatures that was advancing on me. In mid air he used his teeth to pull a pin from a grenade, landed on the beasts and pushed the grenade through it's hairy back in a gush of viscera. He pulled his gore stained hand out and jumped as the explosion blew the howling monsters body to a red mist. I pressed my shotgun to the temple of the last remaining beast and, after wiping the grey splinters of bone and brain from my shoe, went back to blowing the steam off my cappuccino. "What we having for breakfast?" asked the quiet one from The Pet Shop Boys. "Dunno," I said, "Bacon?"
IS IT ANY GOOD? It's synth pop indie that sounds like a million recycled ideas. The album cover is disgusting on purpose. I'm guessing the same logic is behind the band photo, as well as the music. Irony is a strange thing. I guess there are elements to like in the music I have been listening to, but they are elements that have been innovated and perfected by many bands that inhabited the Eighties and the early Noughties folktronica movement. It's alright. I guess. I don't care. Bland bullshit that could be alright to chill to sometime, I dunno… But I guess… Fuck it… I can't make up my mind if it is alright or just so-so or just meh or just… It's like, if you were in a shop and this was on, you wouldn't be like, "what the fuck is this shit?" and you wouldn't be like, "Hey, I wonder what this is?", you'd probably not even notice it and carry on shopping for hammers, or whatever it is you people buy from shops.
WHERE IS IT? www.distractionrecords.com
MOIRA STEWART "WHATEVER WE DO IS LOVE" (BABY SERIOUS)
RELEASED? Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE? So there I was, outside the café blowing the steam off a cappuccino chatting to The Pet Shop Boys, both of them, though the quiet one doesn't talk much and the other one just talks about cats and the new uses he's found for old newspapers- mainly types of hat, but he also makes pretty good imitations of extinct birds. The quiet one had a ginger presse, the other one had this wild looking orange sundae latte which looked more whipped cream than drink, and I was pontificating on the state of the walls down the local underpass. The Pet Shop Boys, to their credit, nodded with
what could be mistaken for interest by the blind, and even recommended a couple of citrus based cleaning products that remove stubborn permanent marker stains. As I was about to get onto the subject of breakfast, out of the fog emerged dark shapes swathed in the blood and piss of countless commuters, angry shapes made up of tooth and fang, beasts that looked curiously like Kate Bush's right leg crossed with the fur coat of a fur-protested Naomi Campbell. "Grab your weapons, boys" I shouted to the Pet Shop Boys. The scene unfolded in Zack Snyder slow motion. The Pet Shop Boys produced gleaming Desert Eagles out from under the table, pulling them around in a slow arc, flinging bullets at the advancing beasts. The quiet one out of The Pet Shop Boys ran across tables, leaping sideways in the air, bullets whipping from his fists and smacking wetly into a flailing pit of fangs and fur, blood fountaining against a backdrop of dusty explosions. He landed in a forward roll at the feet of the advancing beast he'd just peppered with bullets, pulled the sword from his back and eviscerated the howling thing with a slice from crotch to neck. The other pet Shop Boy sprinted and leaped at one of the creatures that was advancing on me. In mid air he used his teeth to pull a pin from a grenade, landed on the beasts and pushed the grenade through it's hairy back in a gush of viscera. He pulled his gore stained hand out and jumped as the explosion blew the howling monsters body to a red mist. I pressed my shotgun to the temple of the last remaining beast and, after wiping the grey splinters of bone and brain from my shoe, went back to blowing the steam off my cappuccino. "What we having for breakfast?" asked the quiet one from The Pet Shop Boys. "Dunno," I said, "Bacon?"
IS IT ANY GOOD? It's synth pop indie that sounds like a million recycled ideas. The album cover is disgusting on purpose. I'm guessing the same logic is behind the band photo, as well as the music. Irony is a strange thing. I guess there are elements to like in the music I have been listening to, but they are elements that have been innovated and perfected by many bands that inhabited the Eighties and the early Noughties folktronica movement. It's alright. I guess. I don't care. Bland bullshit that could be alright to chill to sometime, I dunno… But I guess… Fuck it… I can't make up my mind if it is alright or just so-so or just meh or just… It's like, if you were in a shop and this was on, you wouldn't be like, "what the fuck is this shit?" and you wouldn't be like, "Hey, I wonder what this is?", you'd probably not even notice it and carry on shopping for hammers, or whatever it is you people buy from shops.
WHERE IS IT? www.distractionrecords.com
STUFF FROM THE PAST
TALISMAN "TAKIN' THE STRAIN" (BRISTOL ARCHIVE RECORDS)
RELEASED? 5th March 2012
SOUNDS LIKE? Reggae from the beginning of the Eighties.
IS IT ANY GOOD? Bristol Archive records keep sending me stuff, and I keep listening to said stuff and liking it. I can't help it- it's stuff from the past. It was all punk and post-punk shenanigans a few months ago, but now we are on to some meaty archival material. From 1984, 'Takin The Strain' sounds fresh and tasty, especially with all the renewed interest in reggae and dub that dubstep started(which has now almost disappeared since dubstep moved into brostep and now sounds more like an abusive, highly sexual relationship between massive Transformers than anything resembling dub) and I would recommend having a listen to this slice of history.
WHERE IS IT? www.bristolarchiverecords.com
TALISMAN "TAKIN' THE STRAIN" (BRISTOL ARCHIVE RECORDS)
RELEASED? 5th March 2012
SOUNDS LIKE? Reggae from the beginning of the Eighties.
IS IT ANY GOOD? Bristol Archive records keep sending me stuff, and I keep listening to said stuff and liking it. I can't help it- it's stuff from the past. It was all punk and post-punk shenanigans a few months ago, but now we are on to some meaty archival material. From 1984, 'Takin The Strain' sounds fresh and tasty, especially with all the renewed interest in reggae and dub that dubstep started(which has now almost disappeared since dubstep moved into brostep and now sounds more like an abusive, highly sexual relationship between massive Transformers than anything resembling dub) and I would recommend having a listen to this slice of history.
WHERE IS IT? www.bristolarchiverecords.com
HAMMERING THE ANGST HOME
HAWK EYES "MINDHAMMERS EP" (BREW RECORDS)
RELEASED? 12th December?.
SOUNDS LIKE? So there I was sat in this derelict building with my hand on a hammer. it was a small hammer, neat and compact and fitted squarely into the palm of my hand. I enjoyed it's easy weight, flipping the hammer in lazy arcs, my feet bleeding. I mumbled something under my breath, eyelid fluttering like electroshock will do to braincells. I had thoughts raging in my mind, the sea coursing against rocks, storm raging, a whole scrapyard torn from the heart of this metropolis. I tucked the hammer into my back pocket and pulled myself along the floor with my hands, trailing my broken and
bloody feet behind me, leaving a trail like a gory snail. Brick dust and bit of pigeon skeleton crusted onto my wounds, blackening them with infection. I willed myself to the least boarded window and pushed my shoulder against it until it gave. Fresh air and new sunlight poured onto me. I looked down. The people looked smaller than I remembered. I picked one trailing dot and watched it walk out of sight, around the corner, and then picked another, watching these lives pass out of mine, away from my unheeded threats of violence. The breeze of a new day played upon my face. I clasped the hammer in my hand, white knuckle tight, and slammed the weighted metal into my temple. The first time there was resistance, the second time I heard my skull wetly open, the third time…
IS IT ANY GOOD? If loud angst is your thing…
WHERE IS IT? www.brewrecords.net
HAWK EYES "MINDHAMMERS EP" (BREW RECORDS)
RELEASED? 12th December?.
SOUNDS LIKE? So there I was sat in this derelict building with my hand on a hammer. it was a small hammer, neat and compact and fitted squarely into the palm of my hand. I enjoyed it's easy weight, flipping the hammer in lazy arcs, my feet bleeding. I mumbled something under my breath, eyelid fluttering like electroshock will do to braincells. I had thoughts raging in my mind, the sea coursing against rocks, storm raging, a whole scrapyard torn from the heart of this metropolis. I tucked the hammer into my back pocket and pulled myself along the floor with my hands, trailing my broken and
bloody feet behind me, leaving a trail like a gory snail. Brick dust and bit of pigeon skeleton crusted onto my wounds, blackening them with infection. I willed myself to the least boarded window and pushed my shoulder against it until it gave. Fresh air and new sunlight poured onto me. I looked down. The people looked smaller than I remembered. I picked one trailing dot and watched it walk out of sight, around the corner, and then picked another, watching these lives pass out of mine, away from my unheeded threats of violence. The breeze of a new day played upon my face. I clasped the hammer in my hand, white knuckle tight, and slammed the weighted metal into my temple. The first time there was resistance, the second time I heard my skull wetly open, the third time…
IS IT ANY GOOD? If loud angst is your thing…
WHERE IS IT? www.brewrecords.net
They don't test everything on Cheryl Cole...
DUMBO TURNS TO LEAF, AGAIN
TOM JAMES PARMITER "PROVIDENCE" (ZUBE RECORDS)
RELEASED? Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE? Soundscape-break-beat-hip-hop-minimalist-stuff, you get me? Imagine sky. Now imagine the
soundtrack to sky. You know how sky
changes? Yeah, well so does this. there's
even some drums that sound well Martin
Hannet. It's like the soundtrack to a weird
Disney film- weirder than Fantasia, which
wasn't that weird- and weirder than the bit
with the pink elephants in Dumbo. A bit
like Leaf at the turn of the millennium, only
more accessible. There's strings and
glitches and bass and riffs- it's all mixed
up in this instrumental little wonder.
IS IT ANY GOOD? As a fan of
introspective electronica that makes me
feel like I'm inside the dream/headache of an early nineties PC, then yes, this is good.
WHERE IS IT? www.zuberecords.com
TOM JAMES PARMITER "PROVIDENCE" (ZUBE RECORDS)
RELEASED? Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE? Soundscape-break-beat-hip-hop-minimalist-stuff, you get me? Imagine sky. Now imagine the
soundtrack to sky. You know how sky
changes? Yeah, well so does this. there's
even some drums that sound well Martin
Hannet. It's like the soundtrack to a weird
Disney film- weirder than Fantasia, which
wasn't that weird- and weirder than the bit
with the pink elephants in Dumbo. A bit
like Leaf at the turn of the millennium, only
more accessible. There's strings and
glitches and bass and riffs- it's all mixed
up in this instrumental little wonder.
IS IT ANY GOOD? As a fan of
introspective electronica that makes me
feel like I'm inside the dream/headache of an early nineties PC, then yes, this is good.
WHERE IS IT? www.zuberecords.com
Tom poses inside an early, but very Gameboy
YOU SAY YOU WANT A REVOLUTION?
ALLERJEN "EQUILIBRIUM" (BRUTAL ELITE RECORDS)
RELEASED? 20th February 2012.
SOUNDS LIKE? Do you people make this type of music to piss me off? I am in no way scared by your posturing. You are playing music, not starting a revolution… You chant "Bringing civilizations down to their knees"…
really? By writing the poetry of a depressed and bible obsessed thirteen-year-old girl whose older siblings used to listen to Raging Speedhorn, Fear Factory and Cradle of Filth? By playing your instruments in a loud and clichéd manner that somehow makes children dye their hair black? By being another cookie cutter 'alternative' band? By doing nothing in any way revolutionary with the aural possibilities before you? By adding nothing new to the genre you are bandwagoning on? By having sex with girls who get a new piercing every time they get a new STD? By drinking Jagermeister in black out volumes? Answers on a postcard.
IS IT ANY GOOD? I don't know, I grew out of this shit when I stopped seeing the world in terms of binary opposition. There are probably loads of people who will find this shit more than appealing, they may even go to a gig and get sweaty with other hormonal morons, even queue up in the rain to have their faces signed and their genitals fondled, even buy t-shirts and posters with these angry young men all over them. They may do, they may do… But I won't.
WHERE IS IT? www.allerjen.com
ALLERJEN "EQUILIBRIUM" (BRUTAL ELITE RECORDS)
RELEASED? 20th February 2012.
SOUNDS LIKE? Do you people make this type of music to piss me off? I am in no way scared by your posturing. You are playing music, not starting a revolution… You chant "Bringing civilizations down to their knees"…
really? By writing the poetry of a depressed and bible obsessed thirteen-year-old girl whose older siblings used to listen to Raging Speedhorn, Fear Factory and Cradle of Filth? By playing your instruments in a loud and clichéd manner that somehow makes children dye their hair black? By being another cookie cutter 'alternative' band? By doing nothing in any way revolutionary with the aural possibilities before you? By adding nothing new to the genre you are bandwagoning on? By having sex with girls who get a new piercing every time they get a new STD? By drinking Jagermeister in black out volumes? Answers on a postcard.
IS IT ANY GOOD? I don't know, I grew out of this shit when I stopped seeing the world in terms of binary opposition. There are probably loads of people who will find this shit more than appealing, they may even go to a gig and get sweaty with other hormonal morons, even queue up in the rain to have their faces signed and their genitals fondled, even buy t-shirts and posters with these angry young men all over them. They may do, they may do… But I won't.
WHERE IS IT? www.allerjen.com
FAILING TO NOT MENTION CAT STEVENS
GOODNIGHT LENIN "THE WENCESLAS SQUARE EP" (STATIC CARAVAN)
RELEASED? Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE? Everytime
their songs came on when
I was shuffling I went, "This
sounds pretty cool, who is
this?" 'Ode To Rebellion' is
the type of song that
sounds like how you
remember Neil Young
sounding (I don't say that
as an old man, I say it as
someone who has friends
who like Neil Young,
whereas I don't have any of
Neil Young's stuff, I'm not a
massive fan, but do not
dislike his stuff when it's
on, so I can't say whether I
am right or not, it's just a feeling I have, alright? Don't judge me on my feelings, (they are all I have to comfort me in this cruel and unusual world), only better, beating a bit of menace out of beauty. There are harmonies aplenty, folky in a late Sixties way. I don't want to mention Cat Stevens, but I will.
IS IT ANY GOOD? I'm not saying this EP is original, innovative or even interesting, but it ain't bad. It ain't bad in a way that it may even become one of your new most played. I know I'm going to carry on playing it- it doesn't offend me and makes me smile in places- especially the bitter sweet 'Edward Colbly'.
WHERE IS IT? www.staticcaravan.org/
GOODNIGHT LENIN "THE WENCESLAS SQUARE EP" (STATIC CARAVAN)
RELEASED? Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE? Everytime
their songs came on when
I was shuffling I went, "This
sounds pretty cool, who is
this?" 'Ode To Rebellion' is
the type of song that
sounds like how you
remember Neil Young
sounding (I don't say that
as an old man, I say it as
someone who has friends
who like Neil Young,
whereas I don't have any of
Neil Young's stuff, I'm not a
massive fan, but do not
dislike his stuff when it's
on, so I can't say whether I
am right or not, it's just a feeling I have, alright? Don't judge me on my feelings, (they are all I have to comfort me in this cruel and unusual world), only better, beating a bit of menace out of beauty. There are harmonies aplenty, folky in a late Sixties way. I don't want to mention Cat Stevens, but I will.
IS IT ANY GOOD? I'm not saying this EP is original, innovative or even interesting, but it ain't bad. It ain't bad in a way that it may even become one of your new most played. I know I'm going to carry on playing it- it doesn't offend me and makes me smile in places- especially the bitter sweet 'Edward Colbly'.
WHERE IS IT? www.staticcaravan.org/
MURDERING
METAL
ONE
CLICHE AT A TIME
METAL
ONE
CLICHE AT A TIME
IT'S LIKE 'GUITAR HERO' WAS ACTUALLY AND VERY HORRIBLY REAL AND, OH MY FUCKING CRIKEY, IT IS, ISN'T IT?
STEVE 'BUDDHA' GIBSON "EDGE OF EXCESS" (REVERB NATION)
RELEASED? Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE? Someone likes 80's greasy garage rock so much they decided to copy it wholesale and release it now when it has no
significance, a bootleg karaoke-like EP of eighties gone-and-totally-forgotten bands. I have to say that the gauitarmanship on here is
superb, and overall the music is tight and well played, and after ten to fifteen listens on repeat (yeah, that's what I do, deal with it) it
will grow on you, much in the same way facial cancer and genital warts grow on you- you can't look yourself in the mirror and no one
will sleep with you except prostitutes and the obese girls from Plentyoffish.com.
IS IT ANY GOOD? Maybe I just don't get the joke, but jokes are no reason to make music. Back in the eighties there were all
manner of un-original bands singing about their made up lifestyle of partying and girls and partying and hotels and partying and other
girls and partying and partying and yet more girls, except these are underage- a bit like rap
music did in the second half of the nineties just with more guns and the drug dealing and
less cow bell and I, for one, find their output to be vapid, banal and ultimately annoying. This
was the eighties where greed was good, being a rich wanker was de rigueur and having a
phone the size of a small child gave you instant kudos, as well as a semi-dislocated
shoulder. In a world of business cards, Ralph Lauren suits and nouvelle cuisine (new,
smaller food) excessive luxury and materialism were recognized as positive forces in the
world, and anyone who wants to emulate anything that was popular then (except leg
warmers) deserves no time. Steve Gibson's (what's with the nickname Buddha? Are yo
fat and do fuck all but sit around and tell other people to live their lives better? Because
that's what Buddha did. If Buddha was alive now he'd have one of those electric carts, his body spilling and dripping out of it like a broken lava lamp, his eyes
tiny pin holes squeezed in the lardy features of his face, his fingers greasy party sausages attached to a hand that looks like an inflated rubber glove. He would
spend his Saturdays going 5mph around the city centre, blocking pavements, eating fistfuls of Wotsits out of a bin liner, making passers by repress
memories as he slurps at his tiny fingers covered in artificial cheese dust, all the while telling anyone who listens how he's discovered the secret to the
universe, that laziness and the acceptance of the futility in all human endeavor are the keys to eternal happiness, oh, and don't kill insects. Feeling good
about that nickname now, Steve? Good, Buddha was a fat cunt and deserves to be ripped just as much as Jesus, Moses, Mohammed, Vishnu, Odin,
Tecuciztecatl or any other fictional super-hero that idiots worship in the face of a meaningless death in a meaningless universe. Yep, somehow I have
turned the contents of these parentheses into a rant against organized religion. I blame you, Steve, if you'd made an EP that I enjoyed listening to I may enjoy writing about it, but on the whole your EP begs me to find something else to do that is less painful and involves more of my attention. Right, I'm going to duck out of these parentheses and back into the sentence I was writing. Remember, I started the sentence with Steve Gibson's) band sounds like they are more influenced by Guitar Hero than a love for music. There are fresher Turkish killed Armenian corpses(type Armenian genocide into Google) out there than this sound made up of clichés that were stale back when they were fashionable. I would just like to end this review by saying that most of my information about the Eighties come from Bret Easton Ellis, specifically America Psycho and Less Than Zero, and most of my information on religion comes from being surrounded by idiots of mainly a Jewish, Muslim and Christian bent- I know very little Hindus or Aztecs, but I'm guessing they are mindless idiots too. I am prejudiced against people of faith, just as people of faith are prejudice against logic, reason and peer reviewed science. Anyway, don't buy this EP.
WHERE IS IT? www.edgeofexcess.com
STEVE 'BUDDHA' GIBSON "EDGE OF EXCESS" (REVERB NATION)
RELEASED? Out now.
SOUNDS LIKE? Someone likes 80's greasy garage rock so much they decided to copy it wholesale and release it now when it has no
significance, a bootleg karaoke-like EP of eighties gone-and-totally-forgotten bands. I have to say that the gauitarmanship on here is
superb, and overall the music is tight and well played, and after ten to fifteen listens on repeat (yeah, that's what I do, deal with it) it
will grow on you, much in the same way facial cancer and genital warts grow on you- you can't look yourself in the mirror and no one
will sleep with you except prostitutes and the obese girls from Plentyoffish.com.
IS IT ANY GOOD? Maybe I just don't get the joke, but jokes are no reason to make music. Back in the eighties there were all
manner of un-original bands singing about their made up lifestyle of partying and girls and partying and hotels and partying and other
girls and partying and partying and yet more girls, except these are underage- a bit like rap
music did in the second half of the nineties just with more guns and the drug dealing and
less cow bell and I, for one, find their output to be vapid, banal and ultimately annoying. This
was the eighties where greed was good, being a rich wanker was de rigueur and having a
phone the size of a small child gave you instant kudos, as well as a semi-dislocated
shoulder. In a world of business cards, Ralph Lauren suits and nouvelle cuisine (new,
smaller food) excessive luxury and materialism were recognized as positive forces in the
world, and anyone who wants to emulate anything that was popular then (except leg
warmers) deserves no time. Steve Gibson's (what's with the nickname Buddha? Are yo
fat and do fuck all but sit around and tell other people to live their lives better? Because
that's what Buddha did. If Buddha was alive now he'd have one of those electric carts, his body spilling and dripping out of it like a broken lava lamp, his eyes
tiny pin holes squeezed in the lardy features of his face, his fingers greasy party sausages attached to a hand that looks like an inflated rubber glove. He would
spend his Saturdays going 5mph around the city centre, blocking pavements, eating fistfuls of Wotsits out of a bin liner, making passers by repress
memories as he slurps at his tiny fingers covered in artificial cheese dust, all the while telling anyone who listens how he's discovered the secret to the
universe, that laziness and the acceptance of the futility in all human endeavor are the keys to eternal happiness, oh, and don't kill insects. Feeling good
about that nickname now, Steve? Good, Buddha was a fat cunt and deserves to be ripped just as much as Jesus, Moses, Mohammed, Vishnu, Odin,
Tecuciztecatl or any other fictional super-hero that idiots worship in the face of a meaningless death in a meaningless universe. Yep, somehow I have
turned the contents of these parentheses into a rant against organized religion. I blame you, Steve, if you'd made an EP that I enjoyed listening to I may enjoy writing about it, but on the whole your EP begs me to find something else to do that is less painful and involves more of my attention. Right, I'm going to duck out of these parentheses and back into the sentence I was writing. Remember, I started the sentence with Steve Gibson's) band sounds like they are more influenced by Guitar Hero than a love for music. There are fresher Turkish killed Armenian corpses(type Armenian genocide into Google) out there than this sound made up of clichés that were stale back when they were fashionable. I would just like to end this review by saying that most of my information about the Eighties come from Bret Easton Ellis, specifically America Psycho and Less Than Zero, and most of my information on religion comes from being surrounded by idiots of mainly a Jewish, Muslim and Christian bent- I know very little Hindus or Aztecs, but I'm guessing they are mindless idiots too. I am prejudiced against people of faith, just as people of faith are prejudice against logic, reason and peer reviewed science. Anyway, don't buy this EP.
WHERE IS IT? www.edgeofexcess.com
Double click to edit
Yeah, but you gonna eat that, or what?
Christian Watson Hears Albums
and beguiling voices